Gamecube's Finest

The Gamecube's been dead in the water for months now. Years, some would argue. Alas, little purple box, we hardly knew ye. When you get to Heaven, tell the Dreamcast we say "hello."

Lil' Boxy was a good system. I remember coming home with him almost a full year after birth and almost shitting myself over Rogue Leader and Super Smash Bros. Melee. These were games that treated their owners with class. Sure, the Xbox's bad boys like Halo that would take you up the ass without lube and cum on your titters afterwards seemed tempting, but in the end, it was the nice guys that ran with Lil' Boxy which won my heart.

Anyway, I don't fucking know what I'm talking about anymore, so I'm going to go ahead and list the five pieces of sex you should have on your Gamecube to avoid brutal execution at the hands of space pirates.

The Five Sexiest Gamecube Titles. Evar.

Number 1 - Super Smash Brothers: Melee
Holy rectal nectar, this game is good. So good, in fact, that 90% of the people who bought a Gamecube did so only so that they could own it and play it for hours, days, weeks straight (not that I blame them, as I bought a Dreamcast mostly for Marvel Vs. Capcom 2). This game is deeper than the mighty folds of an oceanic lardo, more fun than a barrel of melted butter and hot lesbians, and as timeless as The Beatles.

Super Smash Bros. Melee may well me Nintendo's #1 success story in terms of software in the past several years. It's a smash hit that sold what was otherwise only a marginally appealing piece of hardware. People always make references to a "Halo-killer" when a new first person shooter comes out, but perhaps one existed in this game all along. While Xbox owners were huddled around blasting each other in four-player deathmatches, Gamecube fans were hopping around as their favorite Nintendo character, chucking fireballs and stabbing Wobbuffets.

Perhaps the best reason to own this game, however, is the victory pose in which Peach fists her asshole and declares "This is fun!" Sho nuff, Peach, sho nuff.

Number 2 - Resident Evil 4
Yes, it received a port to the Playstation 2 and PC. For a while, however, Resident Evil 4 was a sorely needed Gamecube-exclusive, bringing a gritty, dark, violent world onto what many viewed as a kiddy system. When it was released, a lot of people, professional and otherwise, declared that it could be one of the best games ever made. Perhaps that's jumping the gun a bit, but having ripped through the campaign and the fantastic bevy of unlockable modes, I can see where such an opinion might originate.

The game's like a movie; suspenseful, beautiful, and enjoyable time and time again. It's freakishly addictive, a testament to its development team's expert craftsmanship. Resident Evil 4 benefits from a complete refinement of the Resident Evil engine, delivering an experience that fans old and new can enjoy. Thankfully, it's long on the action and short on the dull puzzles. And the graphics? Breathtaking.

Moment of the game: the first time a screaming chainsaw lady sneaks up behind Leon, who's preoccupied with the horde of would-be-killers in front of him, and decapitates him. Gory and delicious!

Number 3 - F-Zero GX
This is basically one of those games that simply doesn't receive the sort of credit it deserves. While it holds a respectable 89% on www.gamerankings.com, it tends not to be brought up when people discuss great Gamecube games, and it always seems to live in the shadow of the woefully overrated and ultimately inferior Mario Kart: Double Dash.

What's immediately evident about F-Zero GX is how utterly tight it is, in every respect. The game's fast enough to cause whiplash, and yet its controls are fine-tuned and precise. It offers huge amounts of unlockable tracks, racers, and story mode levels, and it even allows players to purchase parts to build their own cars. Mario Kart: Double Dash allows players to look at Birdo's ass while racing against the flamboyant toad at 2 miles per hour. I rest my case.

Maybe people get the impression that Nintendo's first and second-party titles (GX was developed by Sega) are "kiddy" because they have colorful packaging. Any child who plays this game is going to find their genitals exploding at the insane difficulty and overwhelming sexual aura of Samurai Goroh. And in the end, that's part of what makes the game so great.

Number 4 - The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
While ultimately not quite as good as predecessor Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker certainly deserves props for being a solid game that people will surely revisit for years to come. Featuring bold new graphics that are as impressive as they were controversial, this is a game that has no fear in exploring brave new depths.

This is not a game for xenophobes. The new boat mechanic quickly came under fire, often cited as taking too long and being unwieldy. Personally, I found few faults with the system, and even found it fun from time to time. What was shitty was tracking down the Triforce shards towards the end of the game, but even that was overblown by haters, and it did provide several opportunities to chat it up with Tingle.

Oh, Tingle. If there's one thing that every man, woman, and child on the face of this planet can agree on, it's their desire to teabag the lovable green child molester featured in the Zelda series since Majora's Mask. Other things that gamers appreciate about Wind Waker: the fun gameplay (apart from sailing), the memorable characters, and how much it fucking rocked when Link put one in Ganon's head at the end of the game. Oh shit spoilers.

Number 5 - It's a tie!
The reason number 5 is a tie is twofold: first, neither of these titles are Gamecube-exclusive, and second, neither of them is quite the instant classic that these other games were. In response to the first issue, I submit that while not Cube-exclusive, these are games that people tend to think of when Lil' Boxy is brought up, and more or less define the console for a lot of people.

These games are Viewtiful Joe and Ikaruga. The first was a game that was originally developed by the now famous (and closed) Clover Studios specifically for the Gamecube. It's a clever little beat 'em up title with some truly innovative play mechanics, such as the ability to slow time or zoom the camera in dramatically for increased flashiness and damage. Viewtiful Joe has an intense sense of style that makes it unique and immediately recognizable. Nothing, with the exception of its sequels, has ever quite come close to it, and so shall it stay.

Much the same can be said of Ikaruga. It's basically the most ball-rippingly challenging game I've ever played, which makes victory over it sweet as can be. Ikaruga, like Viewtiful Joe, boasts a distinct style that seems safe to never be emulated. Though a bit on the rare side, it's certainly a cult classic game that's worth tracking down, if only for the incredible IGN quote on the game's front cover.

So there you have it! Do these games make it worth the price of sweet, sweet Lil' Boxy? I'd say so. Especially given that you can probably find one for free in a dumpster somewhere oh snap.

Just kidding, I loves my Lil' Boxy.